This week has been a little more stressful because of the time crunch of closing the house, packing, moving, and working two jobs. With divorce court hearing approaching in less than two weeks, the stress has more than doubled because as always my anxiety and stress just escalates with the anticipation of having to be in the same room as him.
But today, I experienced something like never before. Before going to lunch, I checked in a customer on paper, but because it was before her scheduled appointment and her advisor was due in any minute, I left the paperwork on his desk and didn’t twice about it.
I returned from lunch and my manager immediately asks to see me in his office. Apparently, the lady, I checked in on paper’s husband had been calling non-stop the call center and store looking for his wife because he couldn’t reach her. The moment he said the words and continued to explain whatever else he was explaining, I couldn’t stop hearing on repeat that the husband was calling every number for the store asking about his wife, because she was at this location and had an appointment and blah blah blah.
I just kept hearing it and hearing it, while I shook my head like I really cared about the scolding I was receiving for not putting her in the system after I checked her in.
I walked out of my manager’s office with my heart beating twice as fast, breathing shallow, and chest feeling tight and compressed. I couldn’t breathe. I honestly don’t recall doing much of anything but pretend to click on things on the computer and finding reasons to walk out to the shop where it was more crowded and could keep the tears from falling.
I was shook. Beyond a doubt.
Hearing those words reminded me of one of my biggest fears. My ex calling my employer and asking for me and whoever answered the phone says, “Yes, she works here.” or “She’s not in right now, can I take a message?”.
I constantly struggle with keeping my personal life out of work or telling everyone so they could all be on the lookout and make sure to keep my name out of their mouths if ever inquired about by a customer on the phone or over the counter.
But those words, wouldn’t leave my head and I could feel the panic begin to rise within me. It wanted to come out, but I was fighting it and honestly thought I was taming it well.
I was wrong.
I walked back to the shop and went to talk to a technician about helping me move this weekend and he saw it. He said, you look like you’re about to cry and even told me to step outside and take a break. I told him, being alone is the worst thing I could do, because it would come out and I didn’t want it to come out.
After a few more minutes, I returned to my desk and continued to tame the panic that continued to brew within me. It just kept on building to the point, I felt the tears building. I immediately walked as fast as I could towards the back door and told my co-worker I’m stepping outside. My voice weak and shaken by the panic breaking out of me.
I went to the back lot where the service vehicles are kept and found a little shaded area between three vehicles. Sat indian style and cried my heart out. I don’t know where it came from but it poured. Poured like the sky was falling.
I don’t know how long I sat there, but those words continued to haunt me as I sat there.
Its amazing, how yesterday I was certain I wanted to return to law enforcement because I felt the worst had passed and I was on my way to recovery, but I was wrong. I’m not ready to return. It sadden me a little because I was picturing myself representing black and blue all over again.
Reality set in further once I got to the support group meeting. We begin by picking a phrase or word that describes how we’re feeling and I chose, “Where are you going?”.
It seems like no matter what I do, every plan I create and build confidence around, crumbles and falls apart.
I find myself questioning every bit of existence. I know I’m not happy with my current job. I like my second job way better. A part of me wants to return to law enforcement, but it is clear that is unwise. So I’m focusing on something many of my old colleagues advised me on but I always found an excuse to chase it.
“Life is a Journey not a Dream, Thou Shalt be True to Thy Self and Thou Shalt be Free…“When reality hits, embrace it. Its reality for a reason. Today, I learned I’m strong for keeping my distance and not falling back into the pit of I’m forever ruined by this man and no one will ever love me. However, I am weak because I can’t look at him in the face or be in the same courtroom without trying to hide my entire body if not my entire view of him. I realized today, I am scared and frighten off the unknown. Unlike, many domestic violence stories, my fears and true digestion of the man I married didn’t hit until I was finally able to back up wanting to separate and divorce him. I guess it was also when he finally realized he lost me forever and his true self came out. I will be haunted by his behavior and fateful night of January 31, 2019, when I learned and felt true loneliness, weakness, panic, seriously threaten for my life not just by him but from myself because of the panic he had caused within me.