I’ve been doing good in regards building good habits and creating new memories around tough dates during this holiday season, being that most of my traumatic experiences occurred during this time frame.
I forced myself to go to an old co-worker’s home for Thanksgiving dinner. I prepared her for my anti-social self and she was cool with it. Although, I spent most of my time…who am I kidding, I spent 98% of my time sitting on her couch in the living room watching Thanksgiving football (two games worth if I may say so myself) by myself and left once the folks I blocked in were leaving. But it was good. I wasn’t upset, angry or depressed just enjoying watching football.
Then, November 30, 2019, came, which isn’t a significant date to me or the world I would assume, but some idiots around my neighborhood decided to let off some fireworks, which I originally thought were gun shots. After a few minutes, another set went off, which was just weird because again is only November 30, 2019…so what the hell?
I guess I eventually snoozed off when I heard another set, which was when I finally realized it wasn’t gun shots I was hearing but fireworks. But that last set was right by my bedroom window. I was alone with both of my dogs. I was in bed and asleep.
I immediately sat up and broke the fuck down. I immediately relieved the scariest night of my life (January 31, 2019). Deja Vu or was it a flashback.
I couldn’t stop crying and got up and grabbed my weiner dog (Dash the Dachshund) and brought him to bed. I fell asleep after crying for what felt for hours.
Ever since that date, I have been on a downhill spiral. This week I officially isolated myself from everyone. Even deleted my personal Instagram account. I haven’t texted anyone aside from my manager in regards to work. I haven’t responded to the two texts messages by the same person, who asked if I disappeared on the first text.
I simply don’t care anymore. I’m numb to people. Numb to life. Numb to the world.
No, I’m not feeling suicidal. I honestly couldn’t explain how I feel, because I’m in a state of unknown/numb.
All I know is that I’ve reached a point in my life where I can no longer see the future or even think of it. All I am certain about right now is that I will be attending school. I will be starting school on Monday, December 9, 2019. Am I going to complete it? I don’t know. This is my state of living.
To all of those also struggling during the holiday season be strong and reach out to friends, family, resources or counselor. I wish you nothing but to feel better than I do and keep your head high even if the weight of it all feels heavy.