Black Hole

Here we go again. Today, I officially realized with the help of my counselor that I am again, in depression.

This time, however, things are a little more complicated. My two sweet dogs, Case and Dash, helped a lot during this time last year. They were my crutch when I needed someone to lean on and my friend when I needed to cry it out.

These past two weeks however, we’ve all been grumpy and acting out towards each other. Why? I think we’re all tired of dealing with the same monogamous cycle. So we’re acting out and rebelling but who are we helping? Who are we hurting. No one and each other.

I feel terrible. I’m trying my best to be there for them, but it seems no matter what it’s not enough.

Case appears to know what this time means to me and him because since January came he has been different. Uncontrollably different, which isn’t good because I’m starting to feel helpless. No matter what, is not good enough for him and I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to get through him.

To realize how low I came to my thoughts and feelings to actually consider and ponder giving them up. Mainly Case, because I had completely lost control of him. It was very heartbreaking to not want to harm them or yell. It was really difficult and I broke down. I haven’t cried like that for a bit.

I hadn’t even realized how bad I was, but I knew I needed help and I specifically messaged an old co-worker who trains and re-homes dogs that I needed help. But it was a dead-end and that only broke my heart even more, because I felt hopeless and helpless.

Do you have any idea what is like to actually ask for help and be left stranded? It is overwhelmingly surreal and when you couldn’t imagine falling into a deeper black hole, the hole just continues to pull the gravity out of you.

Counseling helped get those emotions out, but I haven’t felt that helpless in a year.

Funny, how a year ago is when all of this shit started in the first place.

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