Today is Monday, January 13, 2020.
Last week was rough. My counselor officially declared me depressed, which I accepted with little hope.
It’s been a year.
I’ve changed a lot, but I don’t feel like I’ve gotten better.
My life is just as uncertain and messy as it was without the recent heartbreak emotion.
So what am I feeling exactly?
Absolutely nothing, yet absolutely everything.
I feel like my life is moving ahead but I’m stuck with the past, present and future just gliding past me.
I think my dogs accepted my apology and we seem to be moving in the right direction.
It’s amazing how you can literately feel sweet and sour.
Sweet when little things happen like my dogs and me finally breaking through this rebellious phase we had towards each other. Also, getting a new job which coincides with the new career I’ve settled on and am currently attending school for.
Sour because at the same time you feel like your life is moving but isn’t at the same time and I’ve been feeling pretty stagnant, to be quite honest.
How is it that you begin to move forward in regards to your emotions, thoughts and feelings, yet you fall back into a slump, feel better, then fall into a darker place, then feel better, then go back into what feels like day one all over again and so on.
It’s annoying. It’s frustrating.
It’s a cycle, that needs to end but no matter what I do, think, say or try I fall flat on my face with the constant reminder that my life sucks and I’m still running in this hamster wheel.
This weekend I finally did something I’ve been wanting to do since 2018. Reach out to my ex-fiancé and say sort of like a farewell.
I know it’s weird. Specially since I was the one that broke things up, which I do not regret. It was the right decision, sadly.
I just always have had this feeling to want to reach out and just remind or tell him that he deserves to be loved more than anyone. He is an amazing person and so on. He unexpectedly responded, which I mentioned wasn’t required or necessary in the email, but he did.
Although, I didn’t say what I’ve been dealing with, it somehow got across because he began his response expressing that he’s sorry I’m going through a rough/tough time.
Amazing, how some people can catch something like that from your writing.
Anyways, after reading his response. I cried. I was crying when I wrote my email. I was crying before I wrote it. I had found some old emails between us when he would ask for help with his school work.
I relived in a very fast second our time together and all the good memories we shared. Again, sweet and sour feeling.
I didn’t respond to his email, although he welcomed I reach out if I ever wanted to and gave me his number.
A little part of me wanted to write back at the very least, but I did what I set out to do.
I accomplished a goal I never really considered one, but I remember the feeling of peace and clarity I felt for a split second after a few minutes passed and the exchange between us settled.
Then, I realized, holy shit! Did I just felt clarity and peace? No way!
I just realized I completed something I have been wanting to do since 2018 (at least that’s as far back as I remember really wanting to reach out to him).
This clarity and peace I felt made me think, is this what it feels like to feel accomplished and have no other purpose in life? No longer feel like there is any reason to take another breath, because if I’m being honest I haven’t spoken to anyone all day except for him.
I only speak to people at work and school and that’s because of necessity. So, in reality, who would miss me? My ex-fiancee hadn’t thought of me. My ex who went MIA stopped harassing me, but won’t show up to sign the damn papers. Those I consider friends don’t really know what happened and all I hear is “I didn’t know it was that bad”.
So, I’m done, right?
At least, that’s how I feel.
It called to me to no longer exist. Why continue to put yourself through this physical and mental pain every single day. Awake or asleep, I’m haunted by the memories, the thoughts, the idea, just the date and time set me off. So why continue?
I don’t have the answer, but although I’m still here today doesn’t mean I haven’t begun to think of hurting myself again.