Hamster Wheel

You ever feel like you’re just running in circles? Ever feel like you’re stuck in a cycle with no way out? Ever feel like no matter what turn you take it always leads to a dead end?

I’ve been doing good, you know. It’s been exactly a week without thoughts of harming myself. It’s been exactly a week of light penetrating through the clouds. it’s been exactly a week of Yoga on a daily. It’s been exactly a week I’ve been dreading the end of the month.

I officially begin my new career next week. At the bottom, but it’s a start. Except I need some basic tools and equipment to do my job.

My little paycheck barely covered my deficit but it was enough to purchase the necessary tools…so I thought.

I’m doing the math and counting the bit I got from a shift I picked up last night, but it won’t be enough to get the necessities.

I immediately felt the weight and anxiety slowly creeping in from head to toe. I left focusing on the fact that I’m working tonight and maybe I’ll make enough to return in the morning to get the missing items.

But no matter what I told myself or did, I just felt the urge to fucking cry and punch something.

Why is it that when you are seriously trying to change your life and get out of the rut you’re in, something always finds a way to make it harder, difficult or just plain impossible.

If it’s not my mental health, it’s my physical health, if it’s not that it’s my finances, if not that it’s my nutrition. You just can’t win. I just can’t win.

There are people that don’t give a damn and shit just fall on their laps.

I’ve been trying and giving it everything I got since I was 14 years old. Working and hustling to provide for myself and what do I have to show for it?

Absolutely nothing.

I’m a failure. Every damn day I breathe on this Earth, I’m a failure and everyday I continue to fail and just dig my hole deeper and deeper, I wish I was a black hole.

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