It’s a new year. Officially been separated for over a year.
I was beginning to feel and think that my life isn’t great but it appeared that things were beginning to become stable and simply have a new normal since stopping counseling.
Yet, here I am.
Multiple sleepless nights. Brain continuously thinking and simulating past, present and future of what ifs and what could be.
I’m back to one full time job and school full time. My goal is to get out of bed like I used to, either return to running or gym, and go back on long walks with my pups.
So why do I feel like I’m falling back into despair, depression and anxiousness.
Valentines Day came and left and it didn’t affect me one bit. I’ve never cared for the holiday. I’ve never been the multi sentimental type. In fact, I believe it is a shame that people need a holiday or a day nationally or word-wide known for something. Why do you need a day to tell you to treat your other half or whomever special? But that’s a topic for my rants page.
Today, I left school fine. Not jumping off the walls but not crying either.
But once I got to work and parked my car, I felt anxious. I felt the tears in the back of my eyes trying to push through. I was confused.
Why did I feel like this all of a sudden?
I rushed inside to change into my work clothes.
I immediately got to working once I quickly stuffed my face with a little snack. But it wasn’t enough.
The moment I stopped for a few seconds to a minute was enough to feel a panic attack rising within me.
I didn’t want to repeat what happened previously at my other job.
No one here knows my story, except I’m a young woman trying to make her way in a men’s world. So what’s new, really?
The panic and tears continued to build to the point, I had to tell one of my co-workers who I closely work with that whether it was his job or mine, that if I hauled ass out of the shop to continue working and I would return when I was able. He gave me the look but said okay.
But I never walked out desperately. A simple text from someone I had only begun to speak to since last week made me laugh and it was enough to push away whatever anxiety I was feeling and scare off the panic attack rising within me.
I continued to work and mind my business like if nothing even happened until the last hour. All of a sudden, I began to feel anxious again.
I couldn’t explain or even begin to tell you where it was coming from, but it continued to build that I knew I wasn’t ready to go home. So I purposely went the opposite way to make a small purchase and take my time returning home.
Yet, I sit here wanting to let this out and all I keep thinking the moment I stop typing is that his birthday is coming up. Maybe that’s why I’m beginning to feel anxious.
Funny (not really funny) part is that a few of the new people I’ve met from school or work have birthdays literally around his, which really doesn’t piss me off but does agitate me because it seems that no matter what I do, I will always remember his ideas, his words, his emotions, his temperament, his actions, the places we went, the things we shared, the people we knew, etc.
I want to move on and I thought I had, but I don’t feel like I have.
Its been a bit since I’ve been attracted to someone and as much as I want to just let myself feel things, I become overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions of comparing, thinking, overthinking, feeling, imagining, and repeat.
Most likely the reason for my lack of sleep recently. Most likely the reason for my recent mood changes and returning panic and anxiety.
So here I am. Hell of a way to return to you, huh.
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