The Fight Within

Its amazing how our lives can turn upside down in a matter of seconds, days, moments or even weeks and months.

It feels like forever ago, everyone was talking about the new year and the new century, yet February is almost over.

I was doing good in school you know. I was focused and keeping my mind, heart and soul on a straight road with no sidetracks.

Yet, in a matter of a week or two, I let an emotion slip, my attraction to someone, I barely know. Exchanged numbers and began to learn a thing or two about that person.

I told myself, I’ll just enjoy the moment and not think too far or too much into it.

But the moment I learned of his vice(s), my mind and fears took over and I became a mess.

Every waking moment I argue with myself about stopping and cutting this person off because they share the same vice as him. The same vice that destroyed my relationship…my marriage.

The same vice that broke me inside and out.

The same vice that destroyed my thought of happiness, living free, unafraid, loving, helpful, kind, and caring.

The same vice that took away any trust I had in humanity, including myself.

The same vice that took away my self love and respect.

I’ve been in a constant fight with myself, because I want a fairy tale ending like every other girl or boy who wants to meet someone who will love and respect them.

But I can’t.

It’s impossible.

The moment I hear alcohol and how they drink or treat it, sounds the alarm. I see red. I relive everything I went through; all the emotions I felt and experienced. I remember his words. I remember the narrative I’ve tried so damn hard to change and forget in the past year.

Yet, I sit here feeling as broken as I felt a year ago.

How can anyone move on with their personal relationships, when you can’t trust the damn fly in your house?

You call it a house or apartment but never a home, because a year later you’re still doing a 360 as your dogs relieve themselves.

How does one move on? How does one trust again? How does one know when it’s right to even believe someone? How does one simply know?

This isn’t science.

This is history.

One thing history has thought us over the years, centuries and eras, is that history will always repeat itself.

So how can I love ever again? How can I ever trust you?

How can anyone see me? How can anyone get to know me? How will anyone get close to me?

Why will anyone want to deal with me? Why would they put up with me?

I’ve had more people turn their backs on me within a year than I’ve had in my entire life.

Why would anyone even come close to me?

When all I see if a fucked up woman telling herself that she can surpass this, but I really don’t know that I can. I just don’t know anymore.

I don’t know…

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