Standstill

You know, last month was a rollercoaster of emotions. I was doing good at the beginning of the month, but slowly as it approached midway, I began to feel anxious and depressed.

A few days before Valentine’s Day, I began to speak with the guy I’ve been attracted to for a bit, although it bothers me that I don’t know when the attraction began.

Either way, we began to speak everyday. He told me some deep shit he had just gotten past and it seemed like we lived very similar lives in regards to having a small circle and so forth.

He shares a similar vice as my ex and other things I’ve never done and won’t be involved in, but it didn’t bother me like I thought it would.

I thought that since it didn’t bother me, that was a good thing because it meant I wouldn’t judge or pull away from others just because they share similar vices or behaviors as him.

It didn’t last long before I realized, he was the first man I was actually attracted to, felt safe and actually wanted to be with. But because I realized I cared for him and wanted to help him keep his life on a straight narrow after everything he has dealt with, I stopped myself from proceeding any further.

I know myself and my patterned behavior. I am too honest, straight-forward and to the point. But what has that all gotten me? Nothing but shattered promises, heart, mind, trust and love.

I told myself just enjoy whatever it is that is going on, but I couldn’t. I don’t want to fall for someone who isn’t going to change after the shit they’ve experienced.

I almost got ran over, lied to repeatedly, physically assaulted among other unmoral things by him and that never EVER helped or made him stop abusing alcohol or lying about it one bit.

Who am I to help a young man, who I barely know and just met who realizes the financial impact and the shit alcohol, smoking cigarettes and weed is doing to his body? Just a girl to keep you warm at night.

At least that’s how I feel and I already tried to get a better understanding from him on what he’s trying to achieve with me and got no where.

I finally flipped the switch and can get through the day without letting thoughts of him in my head or feel something, but the moment he texts, it makes me question everything all over but I always come to the same conclusion.

At this point in my life, I am no longer just going to give and give without expecting nothing in return or getting nothing in return. Does that make me selfish? Yes, but I am a broken woman trying to heal and find a new reason aside from work and my two dogs to continue to live and breathe.

It’s been over a year and I have yet to meet someone who has proven me wrong or shown me anything different.

My dogs can see you multiple times, but they won’t trust you automatically. It takes a few minutes for them to get comfortable enough to drop their guard, but it’ll be right back when you return to visit.

They have been scarred, just like I have. I can’t even begin to fathom what will soften those scars. I sure as hell don’t know how to help myself.

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