Forgiveness

We live and we learn…sometimes.

Sometimes we forget to live and actually enjoy life.

Sometimes we deal with loss, mistakes, betrayal, injuries, accidents and so forth and don’t learn a single thing until the fifth or however many times it took to remember to not touch an outlet with wet hands. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Sometimes we disillusion ourselves.

Sometimes we’re disillusioned by others.

Sometimes, these disillusions don’t bother us and go over our heads.

Sometimes they penetrate deep into our bones.

Sometimes they go through and through our skin.

What’s important out of everything I’ve dealt with in my short, yet feels like forever life is that without forgiveness moving forward is impossible.

I always say, I forgive but I don’t forget.

This mantra will forever be apart of my life, because quite frankly, it has helped me mature and grow from everything I’ve dealt.

From completely up and leaving my family for the betrayal I felt. I was angry, hurt, betrayed, upset and whatever else I felt towards my parents, cousins, uncles and aunts when I was 16 years old.

From the struggles I dealt as a Hispanic Female Marine joining at 17 years of age with lots of anger and hate. Then becoming one of the youngest supervisor for my shop and deal with men old enough to drink and one that despised women in supervisory roles. Also, dealing with my gender and height disadvantages in the military and having to work twice as hard to achieve the same level as a male and work even harder to supersede them.

From being a young Dominican woman from New York, who has a resting bitch face on the normal and is animated when she speaks and comes off as being rude and having attitude.

From working in law enforcement where you must master separating your personal life from your work life. But when you deal with your own domestic violence and MUST report it to your chain of command, the only thing they care about is whether or not I can carry a gun or if my spouse would take out charges against me.

From finally separating from an abusive husband in all the sense of mental, physical, spiritually, and financial abuse. Press charges but not on the domestic abuse but on violating the protection order, which also prohibited him from carrying a weapon. For him to walk away from all charges; although the protection order is still in place he remains armed with a gun and a badge to allegedly protect and serve those in need.

From trying to get your life back on track and figure out what you’re going to with yourself. From having to notify your new employer about your protection order because your stalking spouse found out where you work and goes to make a purchase, but your employer doesn’t give a damn about you, and rather put your mental and physical health in danger by allowing him to make his purchase.

From finally deciding on a new career where you’ll feel safe, protected and mentally stable from triggers by outside sources. But because you’re the only woman in the shop, men are talking behind your back about who you may or may not be fucking.

After all of those brief summaries of more in depths experiences, trauma, pain and more. I stand here, today. Breathing. Upset, but not angry. Still in shattered pieces, but slowly stitching itself back together.

I was angry and in rage when I finally separated because of everything he put me through, but I didn’t begin to actually heal until I let go of that anger. The only way that anger dissipated was by forgiveness.

Don’t misunderstand forgiveness for saying that what he did and will probably continue to do to someone else, as me saying that it is okay for him to do that. But forgiving myself to understand, I didn’t ask for what happened. Although, I made the choice and decisions to stay in this state for him, to marry him, and to give every piece of me only for him to destroy me in every way, shape or form.

Understand this, no one walks around with a sign on their forehead that says, beat me, make fun of me, pick on me, attack me, stalk me and so forth. Why do they pick us? I don’t have an answer for you.

But everyone that has dealt with a trauma on their own and have begun to heal and move forward with a new or renewed purpose WILL tell you, it’s because they stopped blaming themselves and stopped holding their abuser responsible for what happened.

We will all tell you, although we no longer have rage and hate towards our abuser – we will never forget what, when, who and what happened to us to receive those scars.

But that’s all we will carry with us – the scars on our bodies and mind.

Forgiveness is the first step.

What’s the second step?

I’ll let you know once I get there.

Thank you.

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