I purposely question and make a point to let others know that it’s okay if they don’t mean or feel a type of way, because it helps me defer the smallest thought or glimpse of hope that someone may actually care about me in any shape or form.
It’s called deflecting and it’s my way of protecting myself from ever being disillusioned, hurt or betrayed.
I like to think this makes me selfish, yet I find myself leaving the door unlocked but the moment I catch a glimpse of anything similar to my previous betrayals I begin to close the door more frequently and momentarily locking it to see whether or not that person will knock or not.
But once those thoughts start, they are hard to end and even harder to destroy.
I display what I want to display, but no one ever knows the constant battle I am with myself everyday.
Most think I’m pretty outgoing and crazy, but I’m quite the opposite.
I’m reserved. Conservative. Thoughtful. Mindful. I over process everything. I over think everything. I over doubt everything.
I no longer care about anything or anyone except those I call friends. Emphasize on “those I call friends”. Some think because they call me or think of me as a friend that I think they are my friend, but that is not the case.
I choose my friends.
I can count them with one hand.
I don’t abide by peer pressure, if anything it repels me.
I have automatic no’s. They apply to anything or anyone I don’t care for or have any small interest in.
I don’t give second chances and I hardly give one at all anymore. Some say situations differ, but life isn’t fair and it’s never given me the opportunity of fairness. So why should I?
I will protect myself above all. No matter the chance or opportunity someone or something may give or offer. Every ounce in my body and mind will turn it away.