Doubt

Since the beginning of this relationship, I’ve felt strength, healing and security within myself.

But within this past few weeks, I’ve felt doubt loom over me.

I’ve felt doubt creep around me.

I’ve felt doubt within me.

Although, we both care about a healthy living, there are a few things that separate us, although these are things I don’t think he realizes or knows quite frankly.

There are a lot of things he has helped me grow and adapt my perspective on, which are things I honestly needed to adapt because it frankly wasn’t a realistic perspective about life or human beings as a whole.

I’ve always had certain expectations from men, because my mentality was if someone loves you and care about you to not want to see you hurt, cry or make you feel any mistrust they wouldn’t do those things on their own because they care more about you.

KEYWORD: They wouldn’t do those things on their own because they care about you. Meaning, that no one in this planet should do anything that they don’t want to do. If they feel obligated, then that’s a big hint that maybe that relationship isn’t for you if after a fair amount of time that feeling hasn’t changed. However, if a person can come to realize on their own term that you know what, this really isn’t as important or I really do want to do this and they do it that tells and shows that they deeply care about the other person, because they want to do or stop doing those things for the other.

There seems to always be a misconception that people aren’t made to change in a relationship or that they shouldn’t but if you don’t change then you’re not really there or involved in the relationship and that is what leads to arguments and problems within a relationship and most importantly what ends a lot of them.

Exception: Although there are some couples that do truly believe in having an open relationship and do have one or two real partners who they always trust and rely on but obviously have that trust or open-mindfulness to explore other things so they may be more of an individual than a couple but that is my personal opinion and not a specific fact.

What I appreciate most about this relationship, which is my first since separating and divorcing my ex-husband, is that he is by far the most different person I’ve ever encountered and had a pleasure to call a friend and a boyfriend.

He is just as blunt if not more blunt than me, which he tends to disagree, but it is quite refreshing to finally have someone by my side that will speak his mind and not sugar coat anything.

He believes in communication and speaking things out from the gecko instead of holding it in and letting it build up and explode in a different situation which may be too late to fix.

Now, this is something we are working on because I used to be closed up and bottle everything in, but with my ex-husband I changed that and truly believed in communicating but it back fired and he didn’t show me the same respect. So, now I don’t quite speak on things and do tend to just resolved it in my own head or just push it to the side, because every time I do bring a topic up always seem to back fire and at the end of the day, I feel like I’m never understood.

But the fact that this person doesn’t give up and does bring it up all the time, “…like no, something is bothering you, tell me” or if we get into a discussion and I shut down, he asks, “Do I need to leave you alone right now”?

And is the little things that he does that make me really happy and proud to say that this is the one good things COVID-19 has caused as an effect and impact in my workplace, which is where we met.

After every discussion we have, I do believe we always come out better on the other side. We are still new and he is still learning me, as I am still trying to figure myself out, which doesn’t do him any justice, but the fact that he cares to try and be open with me has been amazingly refreshing and I am honestly excited to see what is to come.

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