Numb

I am faced with the same situation, emotionally.

There are so many thoughts running through my head, yet I feel nothing.

Yesterday did it for me.

I hit the “enough is enough”. I’m over it.

I have tried so hard to be open-minded, non judgemental, and understanding, but it seems like that’s no enough.

I feel like nothing I do is ever enough for him, which is exactly how my ex treated me.

He built me up just to tear me back down and made me feel like I was trash.

I’ve worked very hard since day one to make sure I didn’t treat him like he was my ex and I believe I have accomplished that because whenever we have our talks he expresses I haven’t treated him in such ways.

Yet, I get criticized almost on the daily and just feel inadequate to even try to do anything because is never enough.

Can’t I simply just get a “you tried” or “is the thought that counts”.

I don’t ask for much. Shit, I rarely ask or expect anything from anyone.

It’s only November 9, who knows what will happen before the end of the month, but my thoughts lead me to believe that there isn’t much left to do.

My mental health is something I was clear and honest about since day one.

And when I say day one, I mean from the first time he and I ever spoke, my blog was brought up and he read a few of my posts.

So if anyone reading this goes back to the very beginning of my blog and read those posts you’ll see and possibly feel how scared, fucked up, traumatized, paranoid and little will to live I had.

Now I am better and stronger within and about myself, but I have a lot to work on still.

He helped me a lot without realizing it but now I feel like he’s hurting me more than anything.

With that being said and my current numbness towards him… us.

I don’t know anymore.

I am as unsure as I was about getting involved when I recognized I was catching feelings for him.

For anyone out there struggling with their own relationships whether is with your abuser or after the trauma. Take time for yourself and if after having that time, peace and tranquility to get your mind, heart and thoughts in order you are okay with returning to that relationship or not, I wish you the best.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s