Remember Remember the 22nd of November

So of course today is November 21, but my lovely brain decided to freak out a whole week and now a day before the dreadful day.

Tomorrow marks the day of the first and most impactful and traumatizing day that my ex-husband put his hands on me.

It all started when we were supposed to be setting up the tree because he insisted to do it that evening but I wanted to wait until after thanksgiving.

I ended up being the one that was doing most of the decorating while he tried to get me to drink wine, which I wasn’t in the mood for.

I remember I was looking for nystagmus (a cop thing) in his eyes and he began to correct me and I got annoyed and just went to sit on the couch because we obviously weren’t setting the Christmas tree up. I was.

Next thing I knew, I’m being dragged off the couch by my feet and all I remember was getting to my feet pissed off like wtf and I barely took a step towards him and I’m on the floor and his whole body weight is on top of me as his knee is pressing down on my chest.

I remember tears falling out of my eyes as I struggled to even tell him to get off me because I couldn’t breathe.

Ever since then Christmas time scare me and send me in a black abyss because anytime I see Christmas decorations it always reminds me of that fateful day where I was again trying to please him only to be assaulted verbally and physically and for what? Absolutely nothing.

This time of the year is always the toughest since separating.

Now being with my boyfriend and living together in a small apartment. It brings a lot of memories because he’s really into the holidays but I tried my best and we both picked a small tree to fit in our living room, which is very beautiful and I cannot wait to fill it up with his gifts.

But there still remains a place in the back of my head and heart that hurts whenever I see it, because it immediately sets me back to November 22, 2017.

This morning I woke up panicked and couldn’t go back to sleep because my brain thought it was November 22 and then I had to tell myself, no that’s tomorrow not today, which of course doesn’t make it any better to see that I’m freaking out about it but I know it’ll never be a day that I’ll ever forget, at least not in this foreseeable future.

My boyfriend seems to have picked up on my behaviors and attitude because before we got out of bed he asked what was wrong.

It really is warming to know that he can see it and not think I’m purposely choosing to be absent and whatnot. Also, that he truly cares and is showing me he’ll be there for me no matter what.

Until next time, keep surviving in this crazy world.

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