Coming Out

I haven’t really thought about this for a very long time because quite honestly it just never comes up.

Last night, while in my boyfriend’s family group chat, his niece came out as being bisexual and some were laughing because we weren’t sure if it was a joke or she was being serious. I didn’t laugh but I was confused because some were laughing and I immediately remembered when I was originally trying to confirm and come out of the closet myself.

In the midst of some family members laughing my boyfriend looked at me and quietly asked me if he could bring me up and I told him he could, because I wanted to say something to but I didn’t want to be disrespectful towards him.

He ended up not saying anything and once everyone got settled again, we confirmed that she was being serious and her mother informed us that they had a serious conversation about it before she disclosed to all of us in the group chat her sexual orientation.

She is only 12 years old at this time and some did ask for her age and in my head I knew where that was coming from.

My boyfriend eventually told me he thought it be better if he just personally told his niece about me and if she ever wanted to speak to me about it then she would be welcomed to and I told him that was fine and I had no issues with that.

But of course, he asked about my experience and how I knew I was bisexual.

I was either 13 or 14 years old when I lived in New York for freshman year of high school. I remember I was living with my cousin in the Bronx already and her best friend is gay. I remember specifically walking outside of our building together and I told them there was something serious I wanted to tell them.

I remember saying, I think I’m bisexual. Her gay friend immediately asked me, if I see myself being with girls and having sex with girls. I said no to the sex dreams, because I was already embarrassed and I was also inexperienced with relationships. You know being the ugly ducking, tomboy, band nerd, quiet, shy, timid, english second language speaking hispanic. I hadn’t even had my first kiss yet and they knew that, so I said no. Although, I had been honestly having sexual dreams about and with girls. I also felt attracted to a few girls but of course most girls were caught up in their own world in trying to impress someone else.

After being shut down and being told that I wasn’t bisexual. It made me even more insecure about my sexuality and in even talking about it or telling anyone else. My cousin was really my only friend at that time at the level of full trust. I mean, we were like sisters and a lot of people even told us we looked alike, so it was really upsetting to be already nervous to say it aloud to the two people you trust the most and then being shut down immediately and being laughed at.

It wasn’t until I was 17 years old and joined the United States Marine Corps that I build the confidence and the no fucks attitude to simply live my life and not feel repressed by anything or anyone.

So there was only one battalion that trained female Marines (at the time that i joined) in Paris Island. In each class, there are two platoons, A and B. I was in A and I remember every now and then we would be in joined classes with the other platoon. I will never forget, there was this really short chick, light skinned, and you can tell she was a lesbian. When you know, you know.

Although, I barely saw her, she always caught my attention whenever I would see her.

Fast forward after graduating boot camp we have to do another month of training at another base to build the whole (Every Marine is a Rifleman), but really is just one month of the three months that Infantry men go through.

We happened to be placed in the same class and because of our stature we typically were always last in our hikes, especially in the beginning when we were beginning the training so we helped each other out a lot in keeping each other motivated and finishing each hike.

I believe it was our last week there and we were cleaning out our lockers and packing everything to get on the bus to be sent to our next training base. I couldn’t tell you what we were talking about or what was said right before I just decided to loudly exclaimed to her that I liked her.

I will never forget her face. She was in clear shock and we legitimate sat outside sitting on the concrete talking about it because she would’ve never thought it or assumed that I was into girls.

Sure enough we went to the same school house at the same time and were placed in the same class, so we would tease each other here and there and play around but nothing ever built or developed from it because she actually had a girlfriend back at home whom she got back with.

So, I let go of any possibility happening with her and of course, I’m a tomboy so I was immediately in with the cool grown men adult club as one of the boys of course. Anyway, the one guy who I was really close with caught me checking out another short chick and I mean literally checking her our. I was breaking my neck until I couldn’t see her anymore without moving checking her out (aren’t I something).

I will never forget his face. He had the most, “I fucking knew it look” on his face. I just laughed. He of course exclaimed, I fucking knew it. I was like yup, I like girls. He was pretty cool about it and never made it anymore than I had my suspicions and you just confirmed it but that’s cool, whatever.

Having that interaction, really certified my self confidence of not feeling like I had to explain to anyone who or what I was, because if you didn’t ask me then why would I have to explain or even inform you of my sexual orientation.

Fast forward a year or two after that, we were all stationed on the same base, same battalion, but different companies.

That short chick I was breaking my neck for ended up being my roommate. Yeah, who wouldn’t thunk it, huh!

FYI: When Marines live in the barracks it is common to have at least one roommate, depending on the type of living style barracks you lived in.

Anyways, I eventually told her I had a massive crush on her when we were at the school house and she was pretty cool about it. She was a lesbian and didn’t have the best experience coming out to her mother, especially after she cut off 98% of her hair. But we were cool and she never judged my lack of experience, if anything she also gave me the confidence that its okay to not have had a relationship, because honestly is just like those who are straight. Not everyone has their first kiss, relationship and sexual experience until many different ages. Some experience it in middle school, some in High school, others in college and some never! So why would we feel ashamed if we haven’t experienced any or some of those simple experiences with someone of the same sex? Because society makes us feel like if you haven’t done it than its just your imagination or a phase.

FYI: I fucking hate the “its just a phase” expression. Fuck you! How about that?

So many teenagers committed suicide and attempted suicide between 2007-2012, because of statements like that. Now, it has become more common for younger kids to come out and I can understand the concerns for parents especially when its revolving having sex changes before the age of 18 years old. But that’s a whole different topic and I have not experience or qualification to really speak about that, but I respect everyones decisions because at the end of the day, it is your body and as long as you are happy, who the fuck cares about anything else? Do you boo boo!

At the end of the day, I just wanted to share my own experience at coming out of the closet.

I was overall impressed at how my boyfriend’s family handled his niece coming out as bisexual (after the laughter settled and we all were confirmed that it was serious). Everyone gave comforting responses to her especially me, because she did tear up and cry a bit after making the announcement and I can only imagine how she felt. I was about a year or two older than her when I already knew, but I was also very mature for my age. Luckily, I’ve noticed some of the same qualities in her and I know she knows and it was very hard for her to overcome her fear of rejection from everyone else.

I look forward to seeing her grow into the amazing human being I know she’ll be one day, but I also hope whoever reads this one day and knows of someone in a similar situation or experienced something similar. I hope you’re in a better place with yourself, i.e. self confidence, maturity, owning your life and happiness.

If we’re not happy we cannot live and enjoy our lives. That is just the simple truth.

To everyone else, keep on surviving in this crazy world we live in!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s