In the Dirt

What a beautiful feeling it is to think you’ve made it and are leveled with your partner, until you are shown you’re not.

What a heart breaking feeling it is to have that glass house shattered by few words said by your partner.

Oh what a feeling.

I have anger problems from time to time. They’re not as bad as they were when I was young (late teenage years), but when I get angry. I get angry.

But is never based off nothing. It all comes from feelings.

I didn’t have a great childhood. I never really had that “whole family affair” lifestyle growing up.

My family was always divided whether it was because I lived in the United States and no one else could because I was the only citizen or because my parents found it best to work in America and provide for us while living in the Dominican Republic.

No matter how you split it, we all lived as a whole family for about three years.

I also, have not attachments to my family since the age of 17. I officially had cut everyone from cousins, aunts, uncles, etc by the age of 21.

I made sure I wouldn’t be found or heard off, because quite frankly no one really did anything to make sure I was taken care off or stayed on the right path. I did that. All on my own.

No one taught me about life, finances, relationships or adulting. I did that. All on my own.

So because I stopped receiving support, compassion and companion since a very young age. The relationships I build now whether is a friendship or relationship, they mean a lot to me.

I also have very hard standards and live by my famous saying, “I rather have four quarters over 100 pennies”.

Let me explain, how many of you have a Facebook account? I don’t. But I can guarantee you about 99% of you reading this will say, “I have one”. Now how many friends do you have on Facebook? Some exceed 1000 I’m sure, while some may be in the 100s. But how many of those do you actually have on your phone and actually have conversations with from time to time? If it weren’t for Facebook, would you even tell so and so Happy Birthday? Probably not.

Out of all of these alleged friends how many of them do you actually reach out to when you’re down and sad? How many of those would you call in the middle of the night when your spouse beats the shit out of you? How many of those alleged friends even know?

Exactly.

So I say this, because I believe in the value of four quarters over 100 pennies. A .25¢ quarter has more value than a .1¢ penny.

I can count my friends with both hands. About a year ago, it was one hand.

I can count my ex-boyfriends with one hand.

I can definitely count my sex partners with one hand.

I can most definitely count with one hand who I reached out and knows about my domestic violence with one hand.

Bottom line, these people I call friends have build up and accumulated over time. Many came and went but they are out of the picture. Not because they wanted to although maybe some have but mostly because I dropped them.

I delete numbers. If I reach out and try to get together a few times and nothing ever happens, then we’re done.

I don’t have time to waste on people that don’t care to spend their time with me.

I don’t have time to spare on those who can’t take a second to say hello or meet once a year for brunch or a walk.

My most valuable friends are the ones I rarely see yearly and speak to rarely. Because our friendship has lasted through time, especially my dark times. And let me tell you, if you survived and stayed true to me during and after my deep depression a year ago, I love you the most and I will remind you how much you mean to me, because without those who stood by me during my darkest hour I honestly couldn’t tell you where I would be today.

Because of everything I’ve been through and experienced throughout my short life has made me appreciate and treat people how I wish I was treated before and how I want to be treated now. I expect people to spare me their time if I’m making time for you, because I am a very very very busy person. But it never stops me from sending a quick response or making time in my calendar to meet with someone.

So when I don’t receive at a minimum the same time I invest in you, it’s going to make me questions our relationship.

But when I hear you say, holidays were alright. Wish I had been home or elsewhere or whatever, it upsets me and honesty it hurts because I don’t expect anything from anyone anymore. So when you decide to stay here instead of going home when you had the resources to do it, it’s pretty hurtful because I never anyone to stay for anything.

In fact, I repeatedly advise everyone that comes into my life that the door is right there and if you ever feel like walking out, please do so. I rather you walk away than feel like you have to stick around.

I don’t want anyone in my life that doesn’t want to be in it.

I’ve been on my own for a very very long time.

I’ve been adulting since I was 14 years old, working and grinding to provide for myself.

I’ve been sacrificing myself since the age of 17 to find a path. A better path of life for myself and I’ve tried to let people in. I’ve tried lowering my wall and every time I get the same outcome.

So I’ve learned to be observant and take a few steps back time to time, because my heart can be blinding. I know because I allowed my heart to overrule my brain when I should’ve walked away from my alcoholic abusive ex-husband.

So here we are. Feeling like dirt.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s