Remember Remember the Month of January

Its been two years now and it seems like nothing is different whenever January comes around.

This year was slightly different because I’ve been dealing with a terrible back pain that really started in November and hasn’t let up, as well as being in my first relationship since I separated from my ex-husband.

That was the start of the new year for me. Most would think that’s not too bad, but my mental health can only handle so much uncertainty and off balance before it goes haywire (that’s just my way of interpreting why it always crashes when I finally feel like I’m stable and have control of my life).

I’ve been wanting to write so many times this month but just couldn’t find the words to put onto paper.

Sometimes, I open my writing notebook with purpose but once I write the date, I can’t remember the words I wanted to write.

I’ve been feeling so much, yet nothing at the same time.

I’ve become numb and I don’t know if it’s because I’m depressed or going through some hard times with the boyfriend.

I feel like no one cares to understand me.

No one tries to put me first at least once. All the while, I make sure I can make time for others.

That about sums up how I felt up until last week.

Since then I’ve realized that I am depressed but couldn’t realize it because my back pain had become so unbearable it completely disrupted any thoughts that I could possibly have.

I reached out to my old counselor and luckily was able to get an appointment schedule for this upcoming week, because I know I need help.

I got to a point that I was beginning to have suicidal ideations again all because of the pain I was dealing with plus feeling like my boyfriend has simply been in a completely different world than me.

At times, I swear his body is here but his spirit is somewhere else, which hurts because it makes you feel like he rather be somewhere else.

I do my best to be open and explain why I may or may not be acting a certain way and sometimes I feel like he hears me and comprehends it but then I feel no support or insurance that, “hey, we’re going to be fine or let me know what I can do to help you”.

I have realized that he has become my trigger for certain things that instantly just send me on a downhill spiral, but how do you address that?

My mania alone makes everything worse because my mind just continues to circle around every feeling, emotion and thought in my head, which doesn’t allow me to find peace to truly decipher what I want or what is best for me, which makes living very hard at times.

I keep looking at my contacts list on my phone and it continues to get smaller and smaller as weeks go by. Why? Because I delete people whom I haven’t had contact in a while.

Lets get something straight. Communication works both ways and I will do my part but if my part doesn’t get us anywhere then I’m done trying.

I don’t like having my time wasted nor do I like to waste it myself. Some may not like that way of living but honestly, I’ve been through way too much bullshit to allow others to continue to decide my happiness for me.

I will admit that although the aftermath of separating from my ex-husband was really hard mentally and financially, I do feel like I was progressing with myself and life.

When Danny and I started dating, it improved a lot and not because he did stuff. Honestly, a lot of the things he said that inspired me I’m 100% certain it was unintentional, but he helped me find the confidence I needed to fully dive into this career.

Overall, I warned him about who I was and that I had a lot of unknowns going into this relationship and in the beginning he was very supportive, understanding and present. But somewhere along, he stopped being that all the time.

He seems more wrapped up into his life and I understand that although we are in a relationship we are still individuals away from the relationship, but he has become more individual when we’re together which is now only on the weekends since we work opposite shifts.

I’ve been trying really hard to continue to fight my mental health and to stay positive in regards to this relationship, but I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t thought about walking away and just being done with it.

There was a few days, when I thought that maybe if we just took a break for me to find myself again and find my own confidence, I’ll have a better understanding as to what I was in my life, because it seems that I am having a hard time figuring it out in the moment with all of the uncertainty from us, him, me, work and my life.

I have been very busy emotionally and mentally. I have had way to many thoughts running through my head every single day.

They are constant and persistent thoughts.

Making sure to leave a trace of doubt every time.

There are days when I feel like I know exactly what’s going on, but there are times when I honestly don’t know what’s going on anymore.

Keep on surviving in this crazy world we live in…

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