You Never Know What You Have

For a couple of months now, I’ve been having an internal war with between my brain and my heart.

After my ex-husband, I told myself I would never allow myself to feel the same way because of someone else.

So every time Danny and I would get into an argument over something that was brought up before it just kept reminding me off my relationship with my ex. My ex and I argued over the same thing every week it seemed like. Money, his alcoholism, phone usage, lack of simply being present and of course the physical abuse.

He only showed up when it was something he cared about. Never quite wanted to partake in things I cared for. It was his world and I allowed myself to be sucked into it and deprive everything that made me who I was.

Fast forward to my current relationship with Danny and I’ve realized that is the reason why I became more upset, angry or argumentative over things like his phone usage and feeling like he wasn’t present in our relationship because they triggered the same emotions I felt with my ex, therefore, I viewed them as red flags. Of course, I’m realizing this now.

But because of those triggers I was having this past month specifically, I’ve become really stubborn and not wanting to give an inch and mentioned taking a break, needing to go away or even break up. But that was my mind talking.

My heart knows it profoundly loves this man, except I pushed too far and now he’s asking for a break… Well, he asked for a break this past Sunday night.

Safe to say, I was in utter shock.

I couldn’t believe it.

The moment those words came out of his mouth, I was upset and angry but not at him. I was mostly angry at myself, because I knew I caused it. I was in shock and blindsided because last Wednesday was when I actually said, “I think we should separate”. The first word out of his mouth was, “Why?”. We spoke it out and I felt the reassurance I needed to continue to fight for us and continue to work on my mental health and issues.

So for me to feel relieved and so reassured in him and us Wednesday evening to Sunday night him telling me he wants a break was mind-boggling for me.

It hurt so much.

Monday morning came and I couldn’t eat and once I made it work, I knew I wasn’t going to make it till lunch.

I barely made it an hour before I emailed management, if I could leave early or once I finished my task at hand since I had an appointment later that day anyways.

I never heard anything and continued to push through, but I couldn’t. I walked out once to get some fresh air because I could feel the tears wanting to come through. Later on, I speedwell to the bathroom and just sit in the floor of the bathroom stall and cry it out a little. That’s when I knew, I couldn’t stay there any longer.

Before 10am, I had enough and went to my direct supervisor and asked if I could leave early, like now, because I wasn’t feeling well. He asked, if there was anything they could do? I said, no.

The moment I got in my car and got on the road all of the tears rushed out of me before I knew it I’m driving down the freeway covering my face because I didn’t want anyone to be like is she crying? I could barely see because my eyes were drowning in tears. I eventually got to my parking lot and sat there while I composed myself, because Danny was off that day.

When I walked in, I kept my head down and he was in the bathroom. I proceeded to go into our room.

I had asked him earlier, if we could talk and he said yes, so after he finished his workout he came out and asked if I wanted to talk.

I expressed myself and how I wanted to fight for him and us, etc.

As the day progressed, I felt like maybe this will work out in the end. I felt like I was getting him back but when I asked what he needed from me he said, no talking about us. We can talk about anything but us. He explained, he has way too much in his head that he still needs to process and decipher. He thinks we both have said everything there is to say about the situation and anything more will just frustrate and exasperate him, which I can understand.

I had my first individual counseling since last year that same afternoon and of course I brought everything up to her and she gave me some tools for me and Danny to try, if he was willing of course. What I found more interesting was that even she couldn’t quite understand his behavior of going from one spectrum to the other in a matter of a week.

All I know, is that I am REALLY REALLY hoping that during this week of us not interacting and really communicating will help him realize his true and real emotions about me and us. I am really hoping they align with mine…

I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I’ve never wanted to try to save a relationship before until now. I’ve never felt so upset with my mental health until now, because I know my depression was a big factor. My depression causes my mood swings but worst it makes me go in self-destruction mode and all I do is push away those I care about the most and care about me away and I end up isolating myself proving my fears and depression to be true, when in fact they aren’t.

You never know what you have until you are in the brinks of losing it. I’ve been engaged twice and married once and I can certainly tell you when I was done with each of them, there was no going back. I didn’t regret it. I felt bad for my first fiancee because he truly was a gentleman and I know I hurt him, but I couldn’t stick around just to appease him, because honestly I would have only hurt him by emotionally not being there, plus it was a long distance relationship. My ex-husband there’s not much to say except I finally had enough of the physical and verbal abuse, as well as the financial drain and overall toll he was having on me and my career.

I’m very upset at myself because I know my actions brought this relationship to where it is now.

Although, this is unfamiliar territory for me. I know exactly where I want to go and be and that is with him and no where else.

Because I love himdearly.

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