Relationships…they come and go.
Relationships come in many shapes and sizes.
Some last an eternity while others diminish in a flash.
Some can blindside you.
Some can come when you go knocking.
Either way, what starts must come to an end.
How it ends can be defining.
I began an unexpected relationship with someone I met through work during the beginning of COVID-19, last year.
It was around this time, we had begun to hang out.
I remember the fear I felt of catching feelings for him. I remember the fear I felt about allowing myself to catch feelings for him. I remember the fear I felt to get involved with someone that shared some of the same vices as my ex-husband. I remember the fear.
Yet, something inside me, just wouldn’t give in to the fear. I chose to push through and face my fears.
I refused to allow my ex to continue to decide my life for me. No more.
A few months later, we became boyfriend and girlfriend.
Met his local family members.
Bonded with his local family members to the point that we’re hanging out when he goes out of town. That was nice.
It was scary to know I was going to meet his father soon after.
But he was just as great.
Every fear that raised, I pushed through and faced. Then, January 2021 came.
The biggest trigger for my depression arrived and it took a toll.
It hit so hard, I pushed the man I loved so hard, he wanted out.
I was hurt and heartbroken because I knew it was my fault.
But I got him back. He came back.
I promised myself, I would give everything I had so if our relationship ever came to that point again, I wouldn’t hold any regrets because I knew this time I gave everything I had.
Everything felt great. But the high of the relationship began to simmer and my depression became apparent again.
It got so bad, I agreed to try medication this time.
First two weeks, were rough because the side effects only make the depression worst, but soon after my body got used to it, I felt better. Everything was clear. My mind was clear. I felt back to a normal self, I hadn’t felt since last summer.
But somewhere since those two weeks, it appears it was too late (I think).
I’m not really sure when it happened because he never really expressed himself when he was up or down.
But it is clear now that something had been building up in the shadows.
Creeping and rising.
One misunderstood conversation, took everything out from under me.
But apart of me somehow knew this would happen again.
A part of me had been prepared, because once something happens once and a person has a pattern of repeating the same things, well what else could be expected.
I told myself, if he asked for a break again, I couldn’t deal with it again.
One thing I learned from my counselor was that every time we say we’re going to do something is a promise we make to ourselves.
Well, I believe in promises. I believe in keeping my promises.
I kept my promise.
Wednesday, May 12, 2021, was the night it all came to a halt.
The relationship that had begun to blossom around this time last year came to an end.
I honestly didn’t know where this relationship was going to go in the future, but I knew I wanted it and loved everything that came with it. Yes, even the ups and downs.
But one person can’t carry a relationship for two people. It just isn’t healthy and it just isn’t right.
You are partners going through life together yet separately. Cheering each other on anything you want to do.
I don’t have any regrets. There is plenty I could cry about, argue about, bitch about or have an attitude about, but I choose not to because I truly am happy, because of the growth I accomplished.
He helped me mature and find my new self within a relationship, which I never thought I would be involved in a million years since separating from my ex-husband.
But it happened and I don’t regret it.
Do I wish it could have worked out? Yes.
Do I wish our relationship was given an actual chance of surviving? Yes.
But we can’t live life wishing and hoping things would happen a certain way, because we all know, life simply isn’t fair.
What life is however is a lifetime of opportunities waiting for whomever to go and reach for them.
Although, this is the end of this chapter. It is only the beginning of the next one.
And I can honestly say I am excited for what’s to come.
I am looking forward to truly starting fresh and all over.
For anyone struggling to begin a relationship after a torturous relationship. I can honestly tell you, the scariest part is allowing yourself to even begin one. And I mean really begin one. The second hurtle, you will face is opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to your new partner. It won’t be easy and it will take however long it needs to take. That first relationship won’t also be the forever one either, because you may be ready to settle again, but that doesn’t mean your partner is really ready to ride the ups and downs of your hurdles you have to overcome post traumatic relationship.
That is the most important thing, that I didn’t learn until quite honestly this Wednesday night.
I’ve always talked myself down as being broken, a hot mess, shit, someone no one will ever want to touch because I’m spoiled goods. Well, people are going to see and treat you that way because that’s how you see, feel and present yourself as.
If you don’t have respect for yourself, how can someone else?
It all starts and ends with you.
Please remember that.
Every relationship begins with two individuals that find their way to each other and become one.
If you haven’t established yourself as an individual, how can you expect to become one with someone else? You can’t. It is impossible.
In the beginning, I struggled with doubt constantly, that only strengthen with lies (small or big) and repetitive triggering behavior. After the break, I did my best to push through it all and even when some doubt crept in, I nipped it in the butt, because at the end of the day I knew what I wanted.
What I wanted, was him and I. I wanted to be there for his races. I wanted to be there when he accomplished each goal he set out for himself. I wanted to be in his life.
Of course, I would start shedding tears now, but is okay.
I’m okay, because I gave my best and just because my best wasn’t enough for him, doesn’t mean someone else can’t appreciate it later down the road.
I’m okay, because I know my worth. Flaws and all, I am a good person. I am a caring person, who loves deeply and hard. I am proud to be able to say that after everything I experienced with my ex-husband, because I honestly didn’t think I could love again. I honestly couldn’t have pictured it.
But it happened.
All good things must come to an end, whether is by choice or not.
Enjoy the moment.
Live in the now and plan for the future.