Betrayal

When most of us experience such a traumatic relationship with someone we thought was the one and it appeared to be the forever after, you tell yourself never again.

But sadly, some of us don’t experience it once, but twice and sometimes even more.

This is the second time, but the difference is my anger is split in two ways. Towards him and towards myself.

I’m mostly upset at myself because I opened myself up to someone that showed me red flags from the beginning, but I thought I was letting my fear get the best of me so I pushed through it and opened myself to new possibilities.

The only new possibilities are that I can fall in love again, I can be hurt again, but now I’m strong enough to handle it and move on with my life.

My only goals now is to care for myself and Dash. Focus on us and our mental and physical health. Focus on accomplishing my individual short and long term goals. But most importantly be happy.

Be happy with myself, my life, my job, my options, my decisions, and my home.

I can’t express how difficult it is to break up with someone you live with and be stuck, because you literally have no where else to crash at until you find a new home. The market is crazy in both rental and selling properties and that’s if you even have your finances together. I’m not struggling, which is great, but not enough to go pay 40K over asking price on a place. That’s besides the point.

When I was separating from my ex-husband, the protection order gave me custody of the home, so he couldn’t return after court. But this time, we were just living together and my name is not even on the lease, so I feel trapped. No place to rent within my budget, no roommate opportunities within my budget and I’m still waiting on a pre-approval to potentially purchase something if unable to find something to rent.

It has been truly infuriating, but mostly frustrating for myself, because I put myself in this situation. I allowed him into my life and I indulged in it until he dropped me like a firework burning down to nothing.

It’s truly depressing and heartbreaking. I have to wake up everyday and see him be happy and enjoying his life, while I’m just focusing on keeping myself together. I’ve literally experienced every emotion you can think of every second of the day for the past two weeks. Some nights, I go to sleep happy with how I’m holding my head high, some nights, I cry myself to sleep, some nights I don’t fall asleep just going over everything that had happened. But most nights, my insomnia has returned and just keeps me up, while I hold Dash as tight as I can to me. He is the only thing that gives me peace. I don’t want to let him down, because we’ve already went through this and I know how much he loves Danny, and it breaks my heart seeing him playing with him, because I know eventually it will all be over.

I’ve dealt with breakups before and most were me doing the breaking up, but this time is different, because he broke up with me and then wanted to get back together and made it seem like that was what he really wanted so I retracted everything I had started to do to move on with my life to give us another shot, because I finally felt like he actually knew what he wanted, but that wasn’t the case. Do you know what is like to be heartbroken twice within 2 weeks by the same person who you love more than anything? Well, I hope anyone reading this says no, because that is the ultimate betrayal. What’s worst is that it doesn’t even feel like it was him, but me betraying myself because he made me feel like a fool and I fell for it more than once.

There are times when I’m so overcome with emotions that I just want to cry and let it out, but I can’t. I have no tears left.

My mental health has been outstanding somehow, which I am grateful, I guess I can’t be more broken than what I already was a couple of years ago, so that’s comforting, I just wish I could stop feeling too.

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