Alone

I remember when I was very very young. I couldn’t tell you the age, but I can tell you that I was wearing a light purple dress and barefoot. My sister tells me I should put some shoes on and quickly I respond, is my body I’ll do whatever I want to do with it. My mother just looked at me and said nothing.

Ever since then I’ve been fending for myself.

Once my baby brother was born, I kind of took him under my wing. After I picked on him for the first year or so. I remember we slowly just grew closer and closer with my two older sisters constantly shunning him and pushing him out of their lives. I was always there to show him love and affection. To show that he wasn’t alone, like I always felt.

Once I returned to the United States alone, I don’t know what I remembered that I wanted to return so bad, but I remember once I landed and my uncle brought me to his home, reality crashed in. We were older and I couldn’t speak English anymore.

Fast forward to not having friends and understanding what the hell was being taught in class. Living with a family that constantly bad mouthed my direct family, well it toughens you up from inside out. Also reinsures how alone you really are.

Yet, here we are. At twenty-six years old and don’t have much to show for it. Except, for an almost five year old Dachshund that I’ve had since day one and trained all by myself with no previous experience with dogs. I’ve successfully served four active duty years in the United States Marine Corps. Then served two and half years in this country’s biggest gang, the thin blue line, also known as law enforcement. I’ve been engaged. I’ve been married and divorced. I’ve been abused financially, physically and mentally by a loved one. Oh and at the very top of it all, I wanted to kill myself, but here I am.

And I don’t say that very lightly, because that was some really low shit. I thought, when my manager cut my hours when I was 16 was the end of the world for me, but no, 2019 was the toughest emotional rollercoaster of my life to this day. But January 2020 was the toughest and lowest point I’ve ever succumb to but right before the month ended things began to change and the feeling that I had no more reason to live no longer existed.

2021 is half way gone, yet, I feel like I’ve accomplished so much but nothing at all. I lost a friend. I lost a relationship. I lost myself. I gained financial relief. I returned to school. I got help. I started my podcasting. I started my twitch. Some of these things crossed each other out. Some of these fueled the other.

Either way I sit here alone with my dog by my side.

My real friends are miles away.

My family includes me and my dog.

But I’m getting myself back on track. In less than a month, I will have moved out and be back by myself to only care for me and Dash. I will be able to focus on my new job, school, my blog, live streams on Twitch, and my podcast, which all but school have been postponed to deal with my mental health and messy living situation.

If anyone out there feels alone, please reach out to a friend or family member you trust. If you don’t have any of those as an option, please text the crisis text line at 741741. They are available 24/7, 365 days a year. You can also reach me via instagram or email at SurvivalPerspectives@gmail.com. I promise to respond.

I know like most what it is like to live a lonely life, but even worst what is like to live in a lonely world.

So keep on surviving in this crazy world we live in.

-m.m.

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