Betrayal pt. 2

There are two types of betrayal to mankind. The type that is inflicted by another and the type inflicted by yourself.

When you’re betrayed by someone else, that can be disheartening, even heartbreaking. It can bring chaos and a lack of focus, but is temporary. You’ll get over it whether they ask for forgiveness and you give it to them and keep them in your life. You may forgive them while deciding to move on with your life.

Then there is the betrayal caused by oneself. This betrayal is different and more internally fucked. It can ruin you inside out for hours, days, weeks, months or even years. With personal betrayal comes regret, and no one should live their lives with regret. Regret is when you feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity). Regret prevents us from truly enjoying the present because we’re too focused on the past. Everyone knows we can’t change or duplicate the past, but our mind is strong and when there is a will there is a way.

When there is a will there is a way isn’t just for when you have to grind it out to get out of a shitty situation, but it can also work against you. For example, I personally suffer from bouts of depression. My depression is triggered by certain events and dates of when my abuse occurred, but this year I experienced my first true clinical depression. Meaning it wasn’t PTSD related or seasonal, it literately just happened. Even though, I recognized and acknowledge that I was depressed, I couldn’t get myself to work out. I had no appetite. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I dragged my feet for everything. I had no will. Even though, I knew I should talk to my partner at the time about what I was experiencing, I would still self-sabotage, which is my typical side effect of my depression. I self-sabotage. My brain is telling me, no one gives a damn about me. I’m all on my own and blah blah blah. Even though my boyfriend at the time would try to communicate or be there, I always put him in a situation that would prove my dark thoughts. Where there is a will there is a way.

Obviously, depression or not. I am pretty alone and lonely. My real friends are miles away and my closest one is about two hours away on a good day.

My struggle with depression is more difficult when I am alone, because I don’t have the distraction that comes with simply visiting a friend and being lazy with them. I don’t have the luxury of running away from my problems because I don’t have anywhere run too and it is very difficult.

This time my depression is more subtle because I’m trying really hard to focus on the good that’s to come in two weeks. But it is making these two weeks almost unbearable. I’m at the point that I am forcing myself to try to eat and sometimes, I can’t because I get nauseas. I’m trying to focus on running again, since it not longer brings me physical pain, but I’m not feeding my body well or hydrating properly so its also limiting how much training I can do. My heart rate is like a rollercoaster because I either wake up with panic within me wanting to come out or I go to bed crying myself to sleep, because I am so heartbroken. Even at work, which is when I do my school work, can be hard to stay focused. Luckily, today’s distraction has been the fact that I woke up wanting to write. I wrote two poems today and I couldn’t be happier to actually have words flowing onto paper.

I’ve had such a block on my mind because my emotions are so out of control. I am angry, sad, depressed, lonely, heartbroken, and betrayed. It all just hurts. It has me confused and feeling lost.

I just want to scream what I’m really feeling but it will fall on deaf ears. The only thing that I can do is tell you here so if you or you know someone that is also hurting will you know that you’re not alone. There are many of us hurting for different reasons and they are all valid. I just hope you have someone there by your side. I just hope you’re not as alone as I feel.

What brings me some joy is that I haven’t thought about suicide. I am sending every bit of focus I can gather towards my two short term goals, which is moving out and starting my new career.

What’s the point of being with people when you still feel alone? Might as well really be alone and I’ve promised myself that once I am out of this place, I will focus on my recovery, health and goals like never before.

Now that I know, I can love again and be hurt inside out by another, again. I don’t have to fret about the “I’m damaged goods thoughts” and all the other shitty thoughts I had about myself, because from now on, I am choosing to put myself, first, above all other humans, because my fur baby will always be number one.

I am choosing to focus on my short term goals and on achieving my long term goals, one step at a time.

I am choosing where my time, energy and money will go and it won’t be towards anyone except for my close friends.

I will strive to be a better woman, be financially stable, have a stable career with good benefits and simply enjoy my life the way I want to.

I will prove to no one except myself, that I can do it all by myself. No more excuses. No more trying to share my life with someone else, except with Dash and hopefully some other animals down the road. I see the journey ahead of me and I am ready to get started. Because is the only reason to keep going.

I hope this post reaches you well, because even though it may be rough in the beginning, the end will always be worth it, if you allow yourself to enjoy it and all the good moments in between.

Keep on surviving in this crazy world we live in.

-m.m.

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