Humiliation

You know I’ve been thinking a lot about humiliation because that’s how I’ve been feeling. I feel humiliated by how my ex treated me and dumped me like a sac of potatoes.

It made me think back and see if I’ve ever felt humiliated before and what may have happened and it made me realize that I’ve never been humiliated before. Even when I’ve made mistakes at work, school and whatnot I’ve never actually felt humiliation because they’ve always been honest mistakes, like answering really loud the wrong answer to a math problem because I genuinely thought I had it right. As a police officer, I genuinely thought I was in the right about how I handled a situation until my supervisor questioned me about the incident and explained that I was actually wrong. I didn’t feel embarrassed or humiliated by it, instead it gave me the drive to really take the time to learn more case laws about certain situations so I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again.

Every mistake I’ve ever made has been a lesson to be better and not repeat the same mistakes. That is how I choose to live my life. Every mistake is a lesson learned. I choose to not be defined by my mistakes.

So the fact that one human being, whom I was truly trying to accomplish many things with, to make me feel so small and humiliated by what’s going on is truly disheartening and heartbreaking.

It’s getting to the point that I’m not feeling bad or sad anymore, instead I am becoming really really angry and pissed off.

I have finally found a place to move into after struggling for three months to find something. So I’ve already had to live with my ex for three months watching him live his life to the fullest, hanging out with his friends every weekend. I have nothing here. My closest friend is 2 hours away, but he has a family and his own business so I can’t just run off to his house every weekend. So I have to stay by myself with my dog all alone with no one to speak to and express myself and relief my pain.

Now that I am actually moving out and gave him notice and paid for two weeks worth of rent, he wants to question when I’m leaving and what I am taking. Asking if when he comes home if his TV is going to be missing, is beyond me. That is the most disrespectful thing ever, because I am not a thief. I am a grown adult and I have worked my ass off to have everything that I have. I don’t receive hand me downs because I keep to myself and most people around me have no idea what I’m going through. I don’t bitch, moan or complain, because that was one thing that I watched my parents not do every single day. They both worked their asses off to put food on the table, clothes on my back and a rood over my head. I appreciate everything that I have and I am humble enough to be patient to wait for things I want but aren’t necessary.

I grew up in New York. I can lie, cheat and steal, if I wanted to. I choose not to. I can do drugs and abuse alcohol if I wanted to, but I choose not to.

I don’t appreciate anyone, especially an ex-boyfriend insulting me and belittling me. I’ve done nothing wrong to him except give him everything I had and even what I didn’t have. I was supportive, loving, encouraging and learned to accept many things I wouldn’t have settled for before because I loved him. And to be in this position today, is mind boggling and truly upsetting.

I am so hurt and have to stand there putting up this front, because I have to be strong enough to not break down in front of him and strong enough to not lose my temper and go off on him, because my words didn’t mean anything when we were together so they obviously won’t mean shit now that we’re not together anymore.

Honestly as a human being I can’t comprehend how someone can do that to another person, especially someone they supposedly love. It is unacceptable, cruel and just plain hurtful.

Humiliating someone that you know has a fucked up past just shows little to no remorse, empathy or sympathy. I could never trust you again.

I just wish I can guarantee y’all that this won’t happen to any of you, but life isn’t fair and it sure as hell knows no boundaries.

Stay strong and keep on surviving in this crazy world we live in.

m. m.

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