Hopelessness is the worst feeling in the world, honestly. I’ve felt hopeless once before and that was after separating from my ex-husband and drowning in debt, stress, paranoia, hurt, mental and physical exhaustion. When I no longer felt a reason to live. When I felt alone in this huge ass world. When I felt ashamed … Continue reading Hopelessness
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You Never Know What You Have
For a couple of months now, I've been having an internal war with between my brain and my heart. After my ex-husband, I told myself I would never allow myself to feel the same way because of someone else. So every time Danny and I would get into an argument over something that was brought … Continue reading You Never Know What You Have
Remember Remember the Month of January
Its been two years now and it seems like nothing is different whenever January comes around. This year was slightly different because I've been dealing with a terrible back pain that really started in November and hasn't let up, as well as being in my first relationship since I separated from my ex-husband. That was … Continue reading Remember Remember the Month of January
In the Dirt
What a beautiful feeling it is to think you’ve made it and are leveled with your partner, until you are shown you’re not. What a heart breaking feeling it is to have that glass house shattered by few words said by your partner. Oh what a feeling. I have anger problems from time to time. … Continue reading In the Dirt
Coming Out
I haven't really thought about this for a very long time because quite honestly it just never comes up. Last night, while in my boyfriend's family group chat, his niece came out as being bisexual and some were laughing because we weren't sure if it was a joke or she was being serious. I didn't … Continue reading Coming Out
Tis the Season
Many of us who have dealt with and experienced any type of trauma can agree that most of those negative thoughts, emotions, and reminders occur during the holiday seasons. When most of us tend to spend that time with family or close friends, it can be very triggering and sometimes even traumatizing. Some may ask, … Continue reading Tis the Season
Remember Remember the 22nd of November
So of course today is November 21, but my lovely brain decided to freak out a whole week and now a day before the dreadful day. Tomorrow marks the day of the first and most impactful and traumatizing day that my ex-husband put his hands on me. It all started when we were supposed to … Continue reading Remember Remember the 22nd of November
Simple Complicated
I don’t ask for much. I’m simple, complicated. Let me explain. I’m simple to the point that all I ever really want from anything or anyone is time and attention. If we’re hanging out I expect for you to be present, in the moment, paying attention, making memories to remember them, share and revisit at … Continue reading Simple Complicated
Numb
I am faced with the same situation, emotionally. There are so many thoughts running through my head, yet I feel nothing. Yesterday did it for me. I hit the “enough is enough”. I’m over it. I have tried so hard to be open-minded, non judgemental, and understanding, but it seems like that’s no enough. I … Continue reading Numb
I thought…
I thought this time would be different. I thought maybe he would be the one to prove my fears wrong. I thought I could finally enjoy life instead of simply living in it. I thought this time it would be different... but all good things must come to an end, right? My biggest fear after … Continue reading I thought…
Doubt
Since the beginning of this relationship, I've felt strength, healing and security within myself. But within this past few weeks, I've felt doubt loom over me. I've felt doubt creep around me. I've felt doubt within me. Although, we both care about a healthy living, there are a few things that separate us, although these … Continue reading Doubt
Happy
This weekend was huge. I have officially met all of my boyfriend's direct family members and he is definitely the black sheep, but in a great way. Every time we have a discussion, disagreement or misunderstanding we always come out better. Stronger. What brings me even more happiness is seeing how much I've grown since … Continue reading Happy
Past or History?
We all live in a world were memories are made each and every second we are alive. Some are good. Some are bad. Some are forgotten. Some will live with you for the rest of your life. Some will affect you everyday. Some will affect you sometimes. Some can easily destroy you from within whether … Continue reading Past or History?
Semicolon (;)
Connecting with you has been a blessing in disguise. A year ago, I would have never thought this is where I would be. You've helped me grow as a person (individually and mentally). I feel stronger about myself. I feel stronger about my goals. I couldn't tell you the last time I thought about harming … Continue reading Semicolon (;)
Am I Selfish?
I purposely question and make a point to let others know that it’s okay if they don’t mean or feel a type of way, because it helps me defer the smallest thought or glimpse of hope that someone may actually care about me in any shape or form. It’s called deflecting and it’s my way … Continue reading Am I Selfish?
When Love Came to Kill Us All
Some of y’all may know who Jessie Reyes is and some may not. In short, she is of Columbia descent but raised in Canada by her parents who relocated there before she was born. I bring this up because “When Love Came to Kill Us All” is the title of her album, which she released … Continue reading When Love Came to Kill Us All
When You Don’t Believe in Love Anymore
What if after all the hurt, pain and disillusions, your heart itself isn’t capable of love anymore? Your mind dreams it, thinks of it and desires it, yet the opportunity presents itself and you lack actual attachment. You lack the actual want to succeed with it. Yet, jealousy and bad vibes surround everything that could … Continue reading When You Don’t Believe in Love Anymore
To My Future Daughter
I never told you about fairytales, because they don’t exist. I never told you about Santa Claus or Los Tres Reyes Mago, because they don’t exist. But what does exist is my love and devotion for you What does exist is heroism and cowardness What does exist is a world full of chaos Love and … Continue reading To My Future Daughter
A Letter to my Younger Self
Hey, it’s me. The older you. I want you to know that all that strength, independent mindset you have will take you a long way. You will not have a fairytale story. You will deal with a lot of disillusions, heartbreak, and betrayal by many, especially those you will hold highly and mighty. Take comfort … Continue reading A Letter to my Younger Self
The Turning Point
Around this time, two years ago, I received one of the most painful injuries from my then husband. I don’t remember much, but I do remember he was drunk as a skunk. Wait, never-mind. I remember now. He said, he was going to stop drinking (for who knows, the 10th millionth time maybe). I was … Continue reading The Turning Point
May 6, 2020
I look in the mirror I see a body I see a face, I do not recognize. The smile is different The face is different The eyes are different I see a body but no soul I see eyes but no spark I see a face but no glow I see a human but no … Continue reading May 6, 2020
If I Die Today…
Everyday last week, I would lay down in bed at the end of the day and start thinking, “If I die today...” but I could never finish the sentence. It really just made me feel like I most be the most lonesome person to literately have nothing to apologize, thank, say, feel or think. Since … Continue reading If I Die Today…
A year ago…
A year ago around this time many life changing events happened. My last official day as a Law Enforcement Officer, but more appropriately as a Deputy Sheriff with the authority of the Sheriff’s Office was April 14, 2019, which happened to be a Sunday, which also happened to be my birthday. But before April 14, … Continue reading A year ago…
Almost two years…
I lay here with Dash in my arms. Remembering the countless sleepless nights I laid on the couch to sleep because my own bed was no longer comfortable. My own bed was no longer a place I could lay and fall asleep. I was succumbed by terror, fear, anguish, paranoia, hurt, panic and disbelief of … Continue reading Almost two years…
What a beautiful…
I show up looking for something You engage I was blindsided I became interested but you faded away leaving small glimpses of hope but it happened so fast that I’m ending the sentence before it becomes a compound. -M. M.
Yours Truly
Keep to yourself above all else. Harm no one with indirect rage. Remember the good and the bad, because it makes up of who you are. Be yourself. Be true to yourself. But most importantly, love yourself. -M.M.
You do not have to be perfect, strong or independent. You don't have to be liked by your coworkers. Let each scar heal on its own. With time they'll barely be noticeable. Only to be seen and kissed by the one true love. -M.M.
EXHALE pt. 1
Today, was my first day of a six week course by Sierra DeMulder. If you follow the blog on Instagram you may have seen the post or story about how excited I was specially when I realized she had given me a full scholarship. I am extremely grateful, because in a way I did it … Continue reading EXHALE pt. 1
Forgiveness
We live and we learn...sometimes. Sometimes we forget to live and actually enjoy life. Sometimes we deal with loss, mistakes, betrayal, injuries, accidents and so forth and don’t learn a single thing until the fifth or however many times it took to remember to not touch an outlet with wet hands. 🤷🏽♀️ Sometimes we disillusion … Continue reading Forgiveness
Second Chance?
I know its been awhile, but it has been a rollercoaster of a week. A few days ago, someone I had considered a really special friend, whom I actually said goodbye to in this blog in January, reached out to me. I couldn't respond with happiness to be quite honest, because I had moved on. … Continue reading Second Chance?
Realization
I saw a post done by a local artist from Massachusetts on Instagram. It read something like, sometimes I feel small, very small and unimportant. I immediately liked it and shared it on the story, which can be found if you scroll all the way down. But what really stuck with me is the simple … Continue reading Realization
When It Finally Hits How Alone You Are
I lay in bed and after a few minutes, my brain begins to do what it always does... relives everything I’ve been through in a matter of seconds. The people that have came in and out of my life. The people I thought were my friends. The people I thought I loved and loved me. … Continue reading When It Finally Hits How Alone You Are
The Let Down
It’s amazing, how we human beings want nothing more then to be and feel love, trust, respect, support and to simply know we got someone to trust and will have your back no matter what. Yet, after being let down time and time again by family members, friends, boyfriends and husband. You build this wall … Continue reading The Let Down
Waking Up
You know for some waking up is just annoying because they want 10 more minutes of sleep or an hour or just want to sleep in and get up when they feel like it. Some of us don’t want to wake up because we want to be dead or kinder words would be don’t want … Continue reading Waking Up
Standstill
You know, last month was a rollercoaster of emotions. I was doing good at the beginning of the month, but slowly as it approached midway, I began to feel anxious and depressed. A few days before Valentine's Day, I began to speak with the guy I've been attracted to for a bit, although it bothers … Continue reading Standstill
The Fight Within
Its amazing how our lives can turn upside down in a matter of seconds, days, moments or even weeks and months. It feels like forever ago, everyone was talking about the new year and the new century, yet February is almost over. I was doing good in school you know. I was focused and keeping … Continue reading The Fight Within
Triggers 2.0
It’s a new year. Officially been separated for over a year. I was beginning to feel and think that my life isn’t great but it appeared that things were beginning to become stable and simply have a new normal since stopping counseling. Yet, here I am. Multiple sleepless nights. Brain continuously thinking and simulating past, … Continue reading Triggers 2.0
Hamster Wheel
You ever feel like you’re just running in circles? Ever feel like you’re stuck in a cycle with no way out? Ever feel like no matter what turn you take it always leads to a dead end? I’ve been doing good, you know. It’s been exactly a week without thoughts of harming myself. It’s been … Continue reading Hamster Wheel
Inception
I was on the clock working for Dominos Pizza as a delivery driver. I went on a delivery to a building community neighborhood. I finished the delivery and began to walk back towards my vehicle when a man that had been lingering since my arrival was by the stairs I needed to go down to … Continue reading Inception
Sweet and Sour
Today is Monday, January 13, 2020. Last week was rough. My counselor officially declared me depressed, which I accepted with little hope. It’s been a year. I’ve changed a lot, but I don’t feel like I’ve gotten better. My life is just as uncertain and messy as it was without the recent heartbreak emotion. So … Continue reading Sweet and Sour
Black Hole
Here we go again. Today, I officially realized with the help of my counselor that I am again, in depression. This time, however, things are a little more complicated. My two sweet dogs, Case and Dash, helped a lot during this time last year. They were my crutch when I needed someone to lean on … Continue reading Black Hole
Loss
It’s amazing what each individual would consider a loss. I couldn’t tell you the last time I felt sad because I lost someone. Except, now that I’m writing this I think about my paternal grandmother. I barely knew her. I didn’t grow up with her like my cousins did, but I met (actually met and … Continue reading Loss
2019 Songs of the Year
The following songs in this list are my songs of the year. Not because I didn’t like other music but these songs specifically relate to my struggles and due to the relation helped me get through tough times or simply grounded me and reminded me where I was once and where I am now compared … Continue reading 2019 Songs of the Year
First Time Away Since…
Today, is the first of three nights away from my babies (Dash the Dachshund and Case the Shepherd). It is also my first time in a flight since 2015. I thought it isn’t my first time and I’ve flown alone multiple times, so nothing to worry about. However, as my old partner approached the airport’s … Continue reading First Time Away Since…
First Counseling Session
Oh boy. When you think you start to have it figured out and you walk in to counseling thinking they just have to hit the hammer on the nail one last time... NOPE! First session involved a lot of forms and questionnaires to help the counselor establish a baseline for my situation and therefore create … Continue reading First Counseling Session
Battle Scars
We don’t all wear our scars in plain sight. Whether they are physical, mental or both it is important to embrace them, because for a reason you’re still here continuing to fight or recreate your life. It is hard to remember that when we let our depression swallow us whole. It can be hard when … Continue reading Battle Scars
Turkey Triggers?
I've been doing good in regards building good habits and creating new memories around tough dates during this holiday season, being that most of my traumatic experiences occurred during this time frame. I forced myself to go to an old co-worker's home for Thanksgiving dinner. I prepared her for my anti-social self and she was … Continue reading Turkey Triggers?
Tis the Season
It is the holiday season and most are making plans and arrangements to meet up and celebrate the holidays with family. For others this can be the messiest time of the year because for those that are or have been isolated by someone they love or loved, this is usually the time that a lot … Continue reading Tis the Season
Family
I sit here tonight, alone with two dogs. But they aren't just any two dogs. They are my children. My sweet baby Dash (Dachshund) and big baby Case (German Shepherd). Due to my vehicle being at the shop and me not having my own transportation prohibited me from working today and tomorrow. If I wasn't … Continue reading Family
